I had an amazing experience last week.  I was with the two sisters who own horses.  We had gone to the stable near Lexington in the morning, ate lunch and then returned to the house in Louisville.  I was about to work on one of their little girls.  The older sister, Linda,  went out to the barn on their property where they have some older brood mares, to let them out into the field.  Suddenly Karen's cell phone rang and Linda was screaming for Karen and me to come there right away.

One of the mares had slipped and fallen and couldn't get up.  We had all known that her days were numbered.  We comforted her - the three of us - as much as possible.  The farm hand who cares for the horses showed up soon after.  We all tried to comfort her.  They called the vet who was in Lexington at the Keeneland Race Track.  He drove all the way to Louisville.  When he got there, he and the farm hand used ropes to help the mare flip over to her other side.  She had tried to get up several times, but couldn't get her back legs under her.

When she didn't get up (the two sisters had gone into the barn because they didn't want to see what would happen), the vet looked at me and said, If she was going to get up, she would have done it then.  So he went in and told the sisters that he had to put her down.  I watched as he put the needle into her neck and injected two big vials of pink stuff to euthanize her.  Then Linda came back out and she and I and the farm hand stayed with the mare until she took her last breaths and her heart stopped beating.  I had my hand on her head and actually felt the last moment of her life. 

It was quite something to be there at the moment of death.  I'd like to say that I was chanting, but in the circumstance, I just held a loving space for her.  Very beautiful process, very dignified.  And the horse looked beautiful in death.  She had really been suffering.

Here I sit at the computer for the first of five days which I have dedicated to writing answers to questions for my Diplomate Certification in CranioSacral Therapy.  I would share the questions with you, but that might prove to jeopardize the integrity of the Certification process at Upledger Institute and I am loathe to do that.

However, it was most enlightening when I got to the third question (yes I'm doing them in order... why not?) for which the subject matter is the "avenue of expression."  Whereas in the previous two questions I relied heavily on textbooks and study guides to shape my answer, when I got to the "avenue" I just took off!

What, you are asking, is the avenue of expression.  I'm sure you've guessed already - it's the throat, the mouth, the nose, the ears, the teeth, the jaws, all the muscles, bones and ligaments, membranes, secretions, motions, oh yes and the tongue etc. 

And to answer your next question, yes, in CranioSacral Therapy we very carefully put our gloved hand into the client's mouth and gently facilitate the release of stored trauma in any tissue, bone or tooth!  It's quite an awesome experience both for the client and the therapist.  No - I'm not getting kinky. I'm quite serious.  It's amazing to feel bones in the mouth move!  Not to mention feeling teeth "unwind."

So now that I've entertained you slightly, I will take myself over to my open document and continue writing.  At age 58, I am still eager to keep moving ahead, learning more, deepening my understanding of life and strengthening my own life so that I can support and facilitate the same for others.  It makes my world go around!

Just over an hour ago I was receiving CranioSacral Therapy in my home from a colleague and friend.  Why is that significant?  Well, that alone is not.  However, what my body/life was releasing was the trauma from my tonsilectomy when I was 8 years old. 

After returning from work this afternoon, I felt a bit out of sorts so I sat in the sun and did some reading.  Then, not feeling better I watched a movie.  By the end of the movie, I was in a panic (not because of the movie).  My head felt like it was in a vice.  Being familiar with the structures of the cranial vault (the head) as well as the structures of the membranes in and around the brain as well as brain parts, I did my best to self treat.  

Self-treating is difficult because  one person can hardly experience the trauma and hold a neutral compassionate space for oneself, while touching the head, etc.  For an hour I searched in my consciousness for an understanding of what I was feeling (and that's the problem, what I was feeling was not from my consciousness).  I did some of the usual panicky things like thinking that I had some brain tumor or aneurysm...  but my inner wisdom quickly put those ideas to rest.  Finally, knowing that I could not withstand the pain, I called my colleague who came to my home.

First - even talking to her on the phone allowed my central nervous system to begin to calm.  I crawled into bed with a wet rag over my head and drifted into an altered state.  She arrived and I wondered if I had gotten past it or through it, feeling sheepish about having called her in the evening.  However, we began working.

My body twisted a bit, and then my neck and head got into some very restricted positions.  There was pressure on my upper teeth up through my nose to the top of my head.  My inner wisdom told me that at the time of this trauma my body was under anesthesia.

Well, the long and the short of it - slowly the truth, and the pain, came out.  Apparently to hold my head still for the tonsilectomy, they had used some kind of device(s) to prop open my mouth and hold my head still.  Then they proceeded to invade my mouth, obviously, to remove my tonsils.  

It took an hour and a half for my body to completely release the trauma and restrictions, including at one point, some kind of mask that had been over my nose, apparently with considerable pressure.

What continues to amaze me, as I faciliate this healing for others and receive it for myself, is that our bodies/energy fields can actually "hold" this trauma at bay so that we can walk around looking "normal."  In reality, we are all walking around traumatized in one fashion or another!  Is it any wonder what goes on in our society?  Is it any wonder that people are depressed, reaching out for quick fixes, tuning out, looking outside of themselves for happiness?

And then, the simple technique of a very light touch with skilled, deep listening allows the body to slowly, at its own pace, release the cellular memory of trauma, core beliefs that lead to destruction and ultimately pathology and disease.  

And so, my friends, experiencing it in my own body and facilitating such release for others, I have been able to develop a deep and abiding trust in life itself - its compassion, its capacity, its potential.

Whatever path/s you are taking for your wholeness, I hope you will consider giving CST a try.  You can check for a qualified practitioner at www.upledger.com. 

Can't even imagine where this all will lead... but then again I can.  I just read my two favorite magazines yesterday, pining away to belong - as in know and communicate with and DO with- people who write and submit to Utne and Spirituality&Health - and here I am today.  I apparently didn't see the first few adds for Zaadz and I'm so appreciative that my vision cleared this time.  In the last 5 years my life has spun a double helix web that has me moving into my integrity in the best of all possible ways.

I knew in college that all people had the inherent ability to be happy and I promised out loud that when i found the key, I would offer it to all who were seeking.  I knew in college (we're talking the mid 60s in Bloomington, Indiana) that the very essence of me could not be destroyed.  It was right after a French Lit class on Pascal (microcosm and macrocosm) as I was walking through the woods, winter, no leaves on the trees, beautiful sun shining through.  I just suddenly knew in my heart, at my core, that we were all connected and beginningless and endless.  

 And then I proceeded through the path of darkness and desperation that got me here.  And now the path seems but a dream.  I did spend 17 years teaching French in high school (public and private) and a few years as a Teaching Assistant in French while getting two Masters degrees.  I finally framed them and hung them on the wall of my CranioSacral Therapy treatment room.

 I also managed to work in two different technology companies - one was a dot com.  What a fun and instructive experience that was.  And when the second company folded like the first, I got the message that it was time for me to move on in my life.  That's when I began to train as a CranioSacral Therapist after having received CST for 8 years.

I married four different  (?) men, all of whom shared similarities and none of whom I ever faulted for whatever happened in our marriage.  I knew it was coming from me but felt so imprisoned by whatever it was.  And my third husband and I produced two marvelous boys who are so quickly becoming men.

For years I have had the wisdom to give others advice and counsel that I myself could not follow.  I could say all the right things and do all the things that led me to suffering.  There was such a gulf in the middle of my very being. 

By all accounts, my life has not been difficult or hard or anything.  I have truly never wanted for anything really.  I have traveled.  I have had such a wide experience and I'm happy to say that there is still much to be experienced.  Thank goodness.

The past twenty years of practicing Nichiren Buddhism with the Soka Gakkai International has allowed me to diminish the darkness that held my true self captive.  To many, I look the same today as I did then, but then they are looking with the same eyes they had then.  

The details of my inner captors and torturers are not important.  They have chosen to transform into my strength and passion while keeping a lookout and attracting suffering humans seeking their own inner selves for whom my life might serve as a guidepost in their journey.  A few years ago a client called me a Spiritual Midwife.  I like it.

The purpose of the advent of the Buddha and all the great teachers is their behavior as human beings.  

I have only scratched the surface of Zaadz and am overwhelmingly grateful to be here.